Amber Larson, Wisdom Quarterly; Ven. Thanissaro (Geoffrey DeGraff), Abbot of Wat Metta
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| Sometimes a smile is all the thanks we give, all the gratitude we show (baconbabble.com). |
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| Gratitude (pirith.org) |
The Buddha taught: "Two people are hard to find in the world. Which two? The one who
is first to do a kindness, and the one who is grateful/thankful for a
kindness done" (AN 2.118).
In saying that kind and grateful people
are rare, the Buddha is not stating an obvious truth about the world. He
is advising us to
treasure these people when we find them and -- more importantly -- he
shows how we can become them.
Kindness and gratitude are virtues we
can certainly cultivate, but they must be cultivated together. Each
needs the other to be genuine, which becomes obvious when we think about
the three things most likely
to make gratitude heartfelt:
- We've benefitted from another's actions.
- We trust the motives behind those actions.
- We sense the other person had to go out of his or her way to provide that benefit.
Points one and two are lessons that
gratitude teaches to kindness: If we want to be genuinely kind, we have
to be of actual benefit. No one
wants to be the recipient of "help" that isn't actually helpful. And we
have to provide that benefit in a way that shows respect and empathy
for the other person's needs. No one likes to receive a gift given with
calculating motives or in a disdainful way.
Points two and three are lessons that kindness teaches to gratitude.
Only if we've been kind to another person are we likely to accept the idea that
others can be kind to us. At the same time, if we've been kind to
another person, we know the effort involved.
Kind impulses often have
to do battle with unkind impulses in the heart, so it is not always easy
to be helpful. Sometimes it involves great sacrifice -- a sacrifice
possible only when we trust the recipient will make good use of our
help. So when we're on the receiving end of a sacrifice like that, we
realize we've incurred a debt, an obligation to repay the other
person's trust.
This is why the Buddha always discusses gratitude as a response to
kindness. He does not equate it with appreciation in general. Gratitude is a
special kind of appreciation, inspiring a more demanding response. The
difference here is best illustrated by two passages in which the Buddha
uses the image of carrying.
Sutra: Parable of the Raft
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| What is the "Parable of the Raft"? |
The
first passage concerns appreciation of a general sort: "Then the
person, having gathered grass, twigs, branches, and leaves,
having bound them together to make a raft, would cross over to the
safety of
the farther shore by depending on the raft, struggling, making an
effort with
hands and feet.
"Having crossed over to the farther shore, one might think,
'How useful this raft has been to me! For it was in dependence on this
raft that, making an effort with my own hands and feet, I have crossed
over to safety on the farther shore. So why don't I, having hoisted it on my
head or carrying it on my back, go wherever I like?' What do you think,
meditators? Would the person, in doing so, be doing what should be done with
the raft?" -- "No, venerable sir."
"What should the person do in order to be doing what
should be done
with the raft? There is another case where the person, having crossed
over to
the farther shore, might think: 'How useful this raft has been to me!
For it
was in dependence on this raft that, making an effort with my own hands
and feet, I have crossed over to the safety of the farther shore. Why
don't I,
having docked it on dry land or sunk it in water, go wherever I
like?' In doing so, one would be doing what should be done with the
raft" (MN 22).
Sutra: Who can repay parents?
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| Let me down, dummy! - But I'm repaying you! |
The second passage concerns gratitude in particular: "I tell you, meditators, there are two people who are not easy to repay.
Which two? Our mother and father.
"Even
if we were to carry our
mother on one shoulder and our father on the other shoulder for 100
years, and were to look after them by anointing, massaging, bathing, and
rubbing their limbs, and even if they were to defecate and urinate
right
there [on our shoulders], we would not in that way ever repay our
parents. Even if we were to establish our mother and father as rulers of
the whole world, abounding in the seven treasures, we
would not in that way repay our parents. Why is that? Mother and father
do much for their children. They care for them, they
nourish them, they introduce them to this world.
"But anyone who rouses one's unbelieving mother and
father, settles and establishes them in conviction (confidence, faith),
rouses one's unvirtuous mother and
father, settles and establishes them in virtue, rouses one's stingy
mother and father, settles and establishes them in generosity,
rouses one's foolish mother and father, settles and establishes them
in wisdom -- to this extent one indeed repays one's mother and
father" (AN 2.32).
In other words, as the first passage shows, it's fine to
appreciate the benefits we've received from rafts and other things
without feeling any need to repay them or cling to them. (In this
parable the Buddha was referring to the Dharma as a "raft" or vehicle
meant for crossing over not for clinging to). We take care of
them simply because that enables us to benefit from them more.
The
same holds true for difficult people and situations that have forced us
to develop strength of character. We can appreciate that we've
learned persistence from dealing with... More
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